Text Messages And Answer Phones
by theonlywater
Summary: Travelling with the Doctor, communication is key. Only, it becomes hard when people never answer their phones. Angry answerphone abuse ensues.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Hello! Just an idea, maybe a one shot, dunno if I'll carry on. depends on the response I guess.**

**_**Disclaimer: I don't own Doctor Who, or any of it's characters or themes. I'm just a fan.**_**

****Anyway, Allons-y! ****

**-oOo-**

"Hello, this is Rory Williams. I'm not available to take your call right now, but please leave a message after the tone."

"Roreey! Where are you? I've been stuck with the Doctor in this cell for over an hour- he's still trying to persuade the guard unicorns are real!  
>I told you, I said that the Doctor reacts to medication differently to humans! I don't know what possessed you to leave an inhaler lying around, stupid face!<p>

You're not even asthmatic.

This is COMPLETELY your fault, how was I supposed to know he could climb that fast? And he's got me banned from visiting again.  
>A fire engine- a FIRE ENGINE had to get him down!<p>

And you want to know the reason? Apparently, the STATUE OF LIBERTY reminded him of RIVER.  
>He was just lucky he didn't impale himself.<p>

On her torch.

I managed to convince the police he wasn't stable, so no charges are being pressed, but you NEED to come pick us up!  
>Where are you?"<p>

**-oOo-**

**A/N: Reviews mean chapters. Hilarity ensues. **


	2. Chapter 2

**Hello again! Sorry for the MONUMENTAL hiatus. I have no excuse, other than life being difficult of late. Anyhow, back now, and to those interested, my story_ This Time Too Late_ will be updated today!**

**_**Disclaimer: I don't own Doctor Who, or any of it's characters or themes. I'm just a fan.**_**

******-oOo-******

"Hello! You've got through to my answerphone!

Well, the TARDIS' answerphone, technically, but she will make sure I get whatever message you are about to leave.  
>Me being the Doctor- but I'd assume you would know this. It's an achievement that you even made it here, if I'm completely honest.<br>Anyway.

(_Doctor, WHERE have you hidden all Rory's socks?_)

Okay, I have to go now- though of course I wasn't actually there in the first place-

(_DOCTOR!_)"

**-BEEP-**

"Oh, sweetie.

I think you have some explaining to do, don't you?

Darling, I know you are new to all of this; and I am fully aware customs and such are different, wherever you decide to base your defences of this... This thing you sent me, but even you must know that this would not appeal to me in any way ...hmm?

I know that the TARDIS has patched this through to you, my love, because I made sure she would. So I KNOW that you can hear me.

And, I will make this very clear. I'm not, at present, being in anyway unreasonably behaved here, but if you don't come now and get me away from this... This thing, I WILL NOT be responsible for what I do.

Oh, darling, when I told you I liked waxworks, I was just making conversation.  
>A visit to a museum would have been fine.<p>

But this? A waxwork of YOU? I'm not even going to ask where this was made. And, to be quite honest, sweetie, it flattens you.

But, if it isn't gone from my cell by the time I wake up, I will not be responsible for what I do with his waxy little fez... And all the others, too. Goodbye, my love."


	3. Chapter 3

**Hiya! I would just like to say thanks for the amazing amount of feedback for this- and thanks especially to anyone who's reviewed! Also, if anyone would suggest ideas for the next, I would be more than happy to comply- with a mention, of coarse. Anyway, here ya go!**

**-oOo-**

"Helloo, it's Amy Pond-

_(Williams-)_

(-Rory!)

_-Pond_. I'm not available right now, but leave a message and I'll get back to you!

_**(If you're lucky)**_

(You better start running Doctor, or I'll-)"

**-BEEP-**

"Hello Pond! Oh, it is good to hear your voice, how nice it all is, was-_ is_...

**Ahem. **

I know you and Roranicus said to me, although it _was_ more of a side note- probably only actually a footnote- Ohh, anyway, you said to not call you.

And I did.

You said that there was no honeymoon first time around, and you wanted alone time.

Which I interrupted by calling you.

But, I am not actually talking to you, so... The _point, _Amelia, is this wouldn't have happened if this wasn't an emergency.

A Pond induced emergency.

Therefore it is your fault.

Therefore, Amy, you have to help. Because, you see, if you hadn't have left a silly human contraption- practically medieval, may I add- if you hadn't left that rocking chair lying about, if you hadn't insisted on me buying it, if you hadn't implored me to keep it in the library-

I _wouldn't_ have got my leg stuck in it!

**Ahem."**

**-oOo-**

**A/N: Lets try reverse psychology. DON'T REVIEW! (See what i did there?)**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Hiya! Exam tomorrow, but here I am!**

**This one's a prompt from the lovely and amazing Lulu 7, for Rory trying to leave a romantic message, and the Doctor being... Well, the Doctor. I'm still taking prompts and suggestions, folks! **

**-oOo-**

"Hello, It's Amy Pond... Williams.

_(Thank you!)_

Leave a message, and I'll ring you back!

**(Sweetie, don't get their hopes up.)**

(River! that was my third try-)"

**-BEEP-**

"Hello, Amy! I know it hasn't been long, but I just wanted to ring- you know, to make sure you and River are okay, and erm-

_(Of course they are! Rory, she's River Song-)_

(Doctor! Go away!)

Anyway, the Doctor apologises for the strictly no mixed gender thing-

_(No, I __don't)!_

-He_ does_, and, erm, It will be fun, anyway. You know, you can relax. Amy, I just wanted you to know that I love you, and the times we've had together are the best of my life, and-

_(Hey, Rory, look what I found in the minibar! These are fun! I had six!)_

Sorry, Amy.

(Doctor, can't you see I'm- are those alcopops?)

_(Hey look, Rory! These beds are bouncy, and-)_

***THUMP***

(Oh, for god's sake, Doctor!)

Look, Amy, I have to go. The Doctor's got a nosebleed. I miss you, and-

_(Look! I bot some bore! Rory!** RORY!**)_

-and I love you. Have fun!

_(Look at these cool tablets!)_

(**DOCTOR!**)"

**-oOo-**

**A/N: Review? **


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N:** Regularly updating from now on! So, this came from somewhere in my mind and I am **not at all** sorry for it.

**-oOo-**

"Darling, This is River Song. Leave your name, number, planet and and anything else you care to give. Apart from you, sweetie. I'll find you."

**-BEEP-**

"Oh, hello River's phone!

Notquite the thing that I wanted to converse with, but I suppose I will simply have to make do. It is_ rather _one sided, though- unfortunately so, actually.

You see, if I were to pose a question- an act I was previously fully intent on doing,_ perhaps _even the reason for this phone call- anyway, If I were to ask a question, I would get no response- not immediately, anyway.

I wouldn't then be able to ask my next question: on the basis that the structure of said question would all depend on the answer of the question before.

Which I will not acquire.

What I am _saying_, River, is that you simply cannot hold a conversation with only one participant (unless said participant had said answers to said questions)- therefore having an answer phone is **entirely **useless.

So what I am really saying is pick up your phone.

Well, not really- because I wouldn't have rang if I knew you were not going to pick up- and therefore the purpose of ringing was not actually to tell you to pick up your phone.

Well, it couldn't have been, because I was under the _impression_ that you would pick up the phone in question- meaning that I couldn't have planned to say what I have said- because, my darling River, the plea would have been void and _null_.

What I have been trying to say, River- the original reason for my calling, that lead onto this... **Ahem**, situation- was that I just wanted to...

River, _where _have you hidden all my trousers?"

**-oOo-**

**A/N: Review! Also, Prompt?**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: You probably should focus on the fact that there were two updates in a day- and just not read this. But seriously. **

**-oOo-**

Answerphone of Professor River Song. Leave your name, number, language and co-ordinates. I'll get back to you.

**-BEEP-**

Mrz Zong, I hafe some vezzy... ah, important newz. My college here, Mr...

**(Dent. Mr. Dent!)**

Mr Dent iz from ze University. Yees, and he says zat you are breaking galactic law!

**Urm, yeah. I just, well you... Actually, I'm not really sure what he's getting at but- oww! Ah, that's it. Um, I'm from the department of hats... and other... accesories, and I've been informed that you, erm, blew up a fez. And... well, that's bad, apparently.**

Vezzy baad indeed, Mrz Zong! You vill need to return any and all stolen hatz, within tventy four hourz, or I vill make it my perzonal duty to punish you!

**Oh, and those Star Trek comics.  
><strong>

****(Okay, hang up. Quick, Pondicus!)

_**(Doctor? You boys talking to River? Say hi! What's with the accent?)**_

**(Amy!)** (POND! NO, YOU-)

**-oOo-**

**A/N: I'm not even going to ask for reviews for this. **


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: As a result of my brain trying to escape very boring people that talk for a very long time.**

**-oOo-**

Hello, you're calling the Pond household!

**Erm, the Williams household actually, but- **

(Ponds, Rory. Darling, you're not fooling anyone.)

We're not available right now, but please leave a message!

**And, uh, your number... Would be helpful.**

**(Ahem.) **

**Thanks.**

Bye!

**-BEEP-**

Mr. Pond, are you _quite_ done fetching our toothbrushes?

Because I need a word with you.

Why, before you left, did you think it would be a good idea to give that thing to him?  
>Well, stupid face, I'm gonna tell you how good an idea that was.<p>

For the last- and I don't exadurate- thirty minutes, I have been refereeing a very silent, very annoying, staring contest.

I don't know if you are aware, but certain Doctors refuse to act human. And don't you dare point that out, because I **know** what you're thinking. But, If he's going to go parading around with a stupid human grin on a stupid human face, he could at least act the part!

But noo, he's all, "Bow ties are cool!" and "I wear a fez now!" and "I_ refuse _to let this warlord give in!" Well, there's a name for you, Mister.

The cat now replies to Warlord.

**(Amy, look how **_**cute**_** this creature is! Oh, you fluffy little destroyer of worlds!)**

And now he says cute.

**(Do you know how soft and fluffy you are? That's**_** incredible!**_** I think I may start licking myself too-) **

(Oh, for _Pete's_ sake, Doctor!)

**-oOo-**

**A/N: Review and Prompt!**


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: I'm kinda running out of ideas for this fic, so if anyone has any suggestions, I would be willing to reward you with unusually fast updates. That will be all.**

**-oOo- **

"Amy Pond, leave a message."

**-BEEP-**

"Ah, Pond!

You insist on me lugging this brick around with me, and yet yours is _always _off!

I have a question- well, more of a query, really. Does Rory often fall asleep for no reason? Well, when I say fall asleep, I really mean fall unconscious. And when I say no reason, I mean there is a reason. I might have accidently let him run into a wall.

Or possibly pushed him into one.

And then fell on top of him.

But it was completely not my fault! I tripped- and I wouldn't have done that if he hadn't pointed out the extremely cool pensioner in the pink bow-tie.

Pink! Where can _I _get one of those? Anyway, this is irrelevant- just tell me the number of the emergency services in your time. Or, better still, help me. And Rory.

Obviously.

We're in the play park near your house- so as soon as you and River have finished doing whatever it is you're doing… Cool.


End file.
